by A Game Show No One Signed Up For, But Every Uterus Owner Plays Monthly
How well do you know your uterus?
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve recently doubled over unexpectedly, or you’re Googling “Is it normal to feel like I’m being stabbed by a ghost with a grudge?” First of all: yes, it’s probably normal. Second of all: welcome to Name That Cramp!
It’s the game show you never agreed to join, hosted by your reproductive system, produced by your hormones, and featuring special guest appearances by your emotional stability (or lack thereof).
So grab a heating pad, put on your most forgiving sweatpants, and get ready to test your knowledge of the world’s least entertaining trivia: What fresh pain is this?!
🎭 Contestant #1: The Clencher
Your three clues:
- Feels like your uterus is auditioning for a drama school role as The Iron Fist of Suffering.
- Comes on strong right as you sit down for an important Zoom call — or worse, while making polite conversation with Brad from H&R Block.
- Can only be soothed by fetal position, a hot water bottle, and questioning your life choices.
Answer: The Clencher.
Bonus Insight:
Doctors may refer to this as mild menstrual discomfort.
Doctors are liars.
This is not mild. This is your uterus acting out an interpretive dance called “I Hate You and I Want You to Cry at Target.”
⚡ Contestant #2: The Sniper
Your three clues:
- You’re fine. You’re living your life. You’re walking the dog, maybe laughing at a podcast.
- BAM! Out of nowhere, a pain jabs your lower abdomen so sharply you momentarily forget your own name.
- Makes you question whether this is period-related or if you’ve just ruptured an organ.
Answer: The Sniper.
Common Mistake:
Assuming this is just “a cramp.” It’s not. It’s your uterus reminding you who’s boss with all the subtlety of a surprise uppercut.
Also: 98% chance you’ll experience this in a public place with zero access to a bathroom, Advil, or sympathy.
🔥 Contestant #3: The Back-Stabber
Your three clues:
- All pain, no warning.
- Feels like someone is slowly twisting a rusty screwdriver into your lower back.
- Sitting, standing, lying down — nothing helps. Only groaning melodramatically and staring into the void.
Answer: The Back-Stabber.
Pro Tip:
Heating pads may dull the pain slightly, but nothing works as well as screaming internally and rewatching episodes of “Friends” until the storm passes. (Bonus points if it’s the one where Rachel gets mad, because same.)
💥 Contestant #4: The Sneak Attack Ovulator
Your three clues:
- Mid-cycle, you’re suddenly experiencing stabbing pain on just one side of your pelvis.
- You briefly wonder if your appendix is exploding.
- Pain is sharp, sudden, and gone before you even finish yelling, “WHAT THE—?!”
Answer: Ovulation Pain, aka Mittelschmerz, aka “Did my ovary just shiv me?”
Fun Fact:
Yes, you can actually feel ovulation. No, it’s not fun. And yes, the name sounds like a villain in a Marvel film.
🧨 Contestant #5: The Emotional Support Explosion
Your three clues:
- You’re bloated, crampy, exhausted, and just cried because you dropped a sock.
- Your abdomen feels like it’s filled with cement, and your uterus keeps sending Morse code via spasms.
- Everyone you love suddenly becomes 400% more annoying.
Answer: PMS Rage Cramp Fusion Combo™️
Treatment Options:
Dark chocolate, noise-canceling headphones, and a text to your best friend that says, “Tell me everything is going to be okay or I will scream.”
Final Round: Why Are There So Many Types of Pain?
Because periods are not one-size-fits-all. They are personalized torture experiences, lovingly handcrafted by your hormones. Some months, it’s a dull throb. Other months, it’s a medieval war re-enactment in your lower abdomen. And sometimes, you get them all — at once — because life is generous like that.
Your Prize?
There’s no money.
No vacation.
No trophy.
Just a vague sense of solidarity, a heating pad, and maybe an extra scoop of ice cream.
But hey — you survived another round.
And that makes you a damn champion.
