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I came across a meme on Instagram the other day, and it was such a perfect example of our culture of anxious parenting that I felt compelled to write a whole post about it. (Spoiler alert: I’ve also recorded a podcast episode on this topic!)
To be clear, the meme itself wasn’t entirely problematic. It was a sweet sentiment from a parent who enjoys laying down with their kids at bedtime. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, many parents cherish that quiet time with their little ones.
For some, lying down with their kids at night may not even be an issue. Sure, it might take a toll on a relationship if both parents spend every night in separate rooms with the kids, but that’s a personal choice. And for single parents, this isn’t even a factor.
The real issue I have is with one particular phrase:
👉 “When they needed to feel our hand on their back in order to feel safe enough to drift off to sleep.”
Why This Phrase Is a Problem
This simple sentence carries an underlying assumption that your child feels unsafe in their own bed, in their own home. And that’s where the problem lies.
This belief is often rooted in projected parental anxiety.
As I’ve discussed before (and in my podcast), parents who struggle with anxiety tend to transfer that anxiety onto their children without even realizing it. When parents constantly communicate, explicitly or implicitly, that the world is a scary place, kids quickly internalize that message.
I know this firsthand.
I was an incredibly anxious child. But even I didn’t feel unsafe sleeping in my own bed because I wasn’t raised in a culture that reinforced fear. My parents, though highly anxious in their own right, never suggested that being alone in a room was something to be afraid of.
In fact, they associated having your own room as a sign of success.
“You’re lucky to have your own room,” they would say — a reflection of doing well financially and being able to provide a space where each child could have independence.
So, despite all my anxiety, I was never led to believe that bedtime alone in my room was something to fear.
Anxious Parents, Anxious Kids
When children are implicitly taught that they should feel anxious about something, they’re quick learners.
Especially highly sensitive children.
These kids are naturally attuned to emotional cues, and they absorb their parents’ emotions like sponges. When they sense anxiety or fear in their parent’s words, tone, or actions, they internalize it as truth.
Suddenly, a child who was perfectly content sleeping alone now feels unsafe without a hand on their back because they’ve been subtly taught that they should feel scared.
Reframing the Narrative: How to Change Your Language
The good news? You can shift this dynamic by changing how you frame things to your child.
Here’s the key: Stop projecting anxiety onto neutral situations.
Below are some common anxious phrases parents use and healthier, more empowering alternatives:
❌ “My child needs me to feel safe enough to sleep.”
✅ “My child and I enjoy cuddling before bedtime.”
This change shifts the focus from “needing” you for safety to simply enjoying your presence. It normalizes connection while fostering independence.
❌ “My child hates when I leave because they’re scared.”
✅ “My child prefers when I stay because they enjoy my company.”
Instead of reinforcing fear, this phrasing acknowledges the preference without implying that your child needs you to feel secure.
❌ “They’ll be scared if I’m not in the room.”
✅ “They’re learning how to feel comfortable on their own.”
This helps reframe the situation as a learning process where your child is gaining confidence and autonomy.
❌ “They won’t sleep unless I’m there.”
✅ “We’re working on helping them feel more independent at bedtime.”
Again, this puts the focus on growth and progress rather than reinforcing dependence.
How Anxious Framing Shapes Your Child’s Reality
Children’s brains are incredibly impressionable, especially when it comes to emotional regulation.
When parents consistently frame situations in an anxious light, children’s brains begin to wire for fear and uncertainty.
Example:
- If a child hears, “You’re okay, I’m right here,” when they’re mildly uncomfortable, they’re more likely to internalize the message that discomfort is something to be feared.
- On the other hand, if a child hears, “You’re doing great, you’ve got this,” they’re more likely to develop resilience and confidence.
The words you use shape how your child perceives the world — and how they respond to it.
Why It’s Okay for Kids to Feel Uncomfortable
One of the biggest mistakes anxious parents make is rushing in to soothe every minor discomfort.
Here’s the truth:
Discomfort is not the same as danger.
It’s okay for your child to experience mild discomfort. It’s how they learn to self-soothe, build resilience, and develop coping skills.
By stepping back — even when it’s hard — you’re giving your child the gift of learning how to navigate the world with confidence.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Foster Confidence Instead of Fear
- Recognize Your Own Anxiety.
Awareness is the first step. If you’re an anxious parent, acknowledge it and work on managing your own emotions. - Reframe Your Language.
Use empowering, neutral language to describe situations, and avoid framing neutral moments as scary or unsafe. - Model Confidence.
Children learn by observing. Show them how to approach new situations with curiosity instead of fear. - Celebrate Small Wins.
When your child takes a step toward independence — even if it’s small — celebrate their effort. - Allow for Discomfort.
Don’t swoop in to “rescue” them at the first sign of discomfort. Let them experience and navigate it.
Final Thoughts: Trust Your Child to Build Resilience
Children are naturally resilient.
When you create an environment where they feel supported but not smothered, they develop the confidence to face challenges head-on.
So the next time you’re tempted to think, “My child needs me to feel safe,” pause.
Take a deep breath.
And remind yourself:
Your child doesn’t feel unsafe when you’re not in the room… unless you’ve taught them to. ❤️
